meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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