I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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