Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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