What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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