seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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