At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
