At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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