I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
