I wish life had little blips of pornography
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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