I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
