it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
