just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this just has baby written all over it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry about my life...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
