im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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