theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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