are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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