nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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