she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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