Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
