its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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