Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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