it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Alive.
So much puke
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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