My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it because I queefed?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
