i think my tv is drunk
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
