ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you bring me the toilet please
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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