i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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