i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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