My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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