I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
