no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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