I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
