Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
