i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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