I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
