EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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