I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
