Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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