Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
