things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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