Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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