Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
