so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
