Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
