I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
