i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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