I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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