Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
