I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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