If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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