you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
