I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
