if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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