Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
