Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
