your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
