She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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