Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
