I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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