I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
