They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
