some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
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We have started to decorate penises.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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