I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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