i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
